Science of Parenting

When I was growing up, I don’t remember hearing much about divorce. I had one friend in high school whose parents were divorced, but it was never mentioned. Fast forward to years later and you guessed it – I married a divorced man with three young children. So I’ve had the first hand opportunity to see the “after divorce” world from both a personal and professional perspective.

The podcast started with the statement about divorce not being one point in time, but is ongoing. And I say, no truer words could be said. When children are involved, the divorce may end the marriage but the relationships and interactions continue literally for a lifetime.

If you’re a parent in the midst of a divorce, or are raising children after a divorce, how do you make it work? I latched on to the phrase – paths to healthy outcomes – and how there are two that work. Most everything else leads to negative outcomes. Those paths are divorced parents working together as warm co-parents or as professional co-parents.

Here’s my take on how professional co-parents work. The adults don’t’ have to be friends but their priority is to do what is best for the kids. They may not agree on how to raise their kids, but they manage to keep conflict under control. These parents try to share decisions and child rearing tasks. Although there is a custody agreement, the parents apply some flexibility and common sense. The professional co-parents see that both parents have a relationship with their kids.

As I look back, I realize our family functioned with professional co-parents (most of the time). No one will tell you it is an easy way to parent. However, the payoff for the kids is tremendous. The stress of the divorce is reduced; children have fewer long-term problems; and they can develop close relationships with both parents and extended family members.

 Anyone want to share ideas that work for professional co-parents?

Donna Donald

divorce divorce, parenting

If you haven’t had a chance to listen to this month’s blog I would highly encourage it. I have placed below a great resource from the eXtension website. Stay tuned for more conversations the rest of this month.

Parenting During and After Divorce

Parents help children adjust to divorce better when they show respect for the fact that the child is now a member of two families.

Parenting through and after divorce is different than parenting when both adults are in the home. Normal parenting challenges become harder during this time. Life is thrown out of balance. Parents and children may experience feelings of stress, loss, guilt, and/or anger. Most family members overcome this stressful event, but the process takes time.

Parenting Behaviors that Help and Hurt

Making the transition through divorce is easier for the child when parents look at things through the child’s eyes. It’s important to remember that the child is now a member of two families.

Children do better when they are able to maintain their relationships with both parents (when it is safe for them to do so).

Children whose parents have a lot of conflict after the divorce have the hardest time. Parents can support their children best by keeping their arguments private, away from where children can hear them. This includes phone conversations.
Experiencing negative emotions about the other parent is normal. But it’s important to avoid making negative comments about the other parent in front of the child. Children often feel a negative comment about the other parent reflects on them. After all, half of their DNA is from that parent! If a parent needs to vent, a good strategy is to seek support from another understanding adult.

For the rest of the article click below…

http://www.extension.org/pages/27654/parenting-during-and-after-divorce

Uncategorized, divorce, social-emotional children, communication, divorce, emotional, family, parenting, well-being

How parents handle their divorce affects how well their children will adapt to life with mom and life with dad. This month’s Science of Parenting podcast from Iowa State University Extension and Outreach examines what parents can do to help their children live through divorce.

ISU Extension publications

• Divorce Matters publication series

Related resources

• Learn more about Michael Fleming.
• Get short, timely messages from Science of Parenting on Twitter.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

podcast, social-emotional blended families, divorce, family, stepparent

Or is it – I WANT it? For many of us, spending is the fun part of having money. Sometimes we do a good job of making spending decisions and other times, we probably could do better.

Our kids are no different. It’s hard for them to understand what you’re talking about when you start sharing ideas about making decisions. But what they will catch on to is how you make your choices.

So – listen to yourself. How often do you say, “I need this _____” when really you are saying, “I want ________”? All of us have lots of needs and wants. And young kids are apt to think they need everything and want it right now.

Here are a couple simple definitions for needs and wants.

• Want – something you wish for very much but could live without
• Need – something you have to have to live every day

Usually kids (and us adults) have more wants than needs. Here are four questions I used with my daughters when they wanted to spend money.

• Do I really want it?
• But, do I really need it?
• Can I get along without it?
• How can I pay for it?

Try using these questions when you want to spend money. See if you’re spending your hard earned money on needs or wants. Remember, your child will learn the most by simply watching how you spend your money.

How are you teaching your child the difference between needs and wants?

Donna Donald

Uncategorized, money, positive parenting money

This is an exciting time at Science of Parenting!

We have a question for you! What if we offered you opportunities for additional information on your favorite topics?

Come with me to my brain … envision this…

The kids have settled down and gone to bed. You have your comfy slippers on your feet and your favorite chair is ready!

You grab the computer or whatever technology is closest and join us ‘after hours’ for an online conversation on the monthly Science of Parenting topic.

Recently we tested the idea. “Taming the Tiger Within” was held at 8:30pm on a Tuesday night for about 50 minutes. We shared ideas on how to tame those tantrums and your feet were up on your own recliner! It seemed like there were no bugs hiding out in our system so we are going to offer it again.

Tuesday, May 22nd 8:30pm.

Watch for log on details soon!

Join us and learn how to tame your tiger!  Invite your friends to subscribe to the blog and you can all join us with your slippers on!

What topics would you like to see offered as an evening webinar?

Lori

education, positive parenting, social-emotional, temperament children, discipline, parenting, temperament

I grew up as a Missouri farm kid. There wasn’t much money but lots of chores – both inside and outside the home – and certainly no allowance. I had a piggy bank for small savings. And yes, my dad gave me a dollar for each “A” on a report card.

Did my parents teach me the right things about money? As an adult do I have a healthy relationship with money? Did I teach my daughters what they needed to know about money?

These are pretty weighty questions and ones that can cause a little guilt. So I was excited to hear the experts share the research results and their interpretations. The bad news is that the research isn’t conclusive and the good news is that the research isn’t conclusive. I also heard the experts share differing opinions. Whew – don’t need to feel guilty.

What I did learn is that parents don’t have to try to do everything a particular way. Many everyday mundane tasks involve money. Children learn from how they see their parents handle the family funds.  We are back to that role model concept that keeps coming up on most any topic.

So let me give you some questions to ponder.

• What are you teaching when you pay for items with a credit card?
• What are you teaching when you balance a check book or reconcile a bank account online?
• What are you teaching when you give to your church or a local community project?
• What are you teaching when you save for a new computer or flat screen TV?
• What are you teaching when you complain about paying bills?

The list could go on and on. I just wanted to get you thinking about how what you do is always teaching. Anyone want to share a good story about a time when you taught your child a lesson about money by your behavior?

Donna Donald

money children, money, teen, tweens

Yeah not really a catchy title… pretty boring because we’ve all heard it  (and probably even said it ourselves).

In listening to the podcast there is one thing that really really won’t leave my mind. “Consistency”.

Gosh isn’t that the pits. It’s the same word we use to talk about guidance and discipline with children. Huh… guess that means it’s a pretty important word.

But sometimes isn’t it soooooo hard? I know it is for me!!! Especially when it comes to money. I desperately want to teach my children good money management but making the time and being consistent is where I struggle.

I need your help on ideas on how I can be consistent!!!!  Yes this blog IS all about me!

Lori

education, money, podcast, positive parenting children, education, money, parenting

Giving an allowance, paying for chores, offering money as a reward for good grades: Are these successful parenting strategies? How to help children develop a healthy relationship with money is up for discussion in this month’s Science of Parenting podcast from Iowa State University Extension and Outreach.

ISU Extension publications

• The Allowance Game, PM 1776
• This Is the Way I Spend My Money, 4H 353

Related resources

• Get short, timely messages from Science of Parenting on Twitter .

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Uncategorized, podcast, positive parenting, raising teens allowance, gifts, money, reward, spoil

During all my years of working with parents I have been asked repeatedly, “What can I do to get the kids to help out more around home?” And I think we all can see ourselves at Lori’s house with the laundry issue.

Many changes have taken place in homes since we were kids. The days of being able to depend on Mom to do it all are changing. So having your kids help with things around the house is a good idea.

When everyone pitches in, you have more time to enjoy each other as a family. The kids learn skills that will carry over into school, relationships, and adult life. They also learn they are an important part of the family.

The best time to teach your kids is when they are young. Even toddlers can help by picking up toys or carrying their plates to the dishwasher after meals. But don’t give up if you have an older child who doesn’t help – it’s never too late.

Here are three steps I found really helpful when getting our daughters to help out at home.

1. Notice good behavior. We had a “chore chart” posted on the kitchen door. The girls got to put stars on the chart when chores were completed. They really worked for those stars and when they earned a certain number, we would do something special together.

2. Show how to do a particular task. Your child is more likely to carry out a job if he knows exactly what you expect. Don’t expect him to get it “right” the first time. If also helps to tell him why you are doing things a certain way. 

3. Have your child check back with you after she is done with the tasks. That way you will know the job is done and done right. It also gives you a chance to compliment and praise her on a job well done.

Household chores are not going to go away no matter how much we wish they would. You can be a martyr and try to do it all yourself. And you  probably won’t be the happpiest Mom or Dad to be around. Or, you can spend the time to inovlve your children.

How do you handle household chores at your house? Any good suggestions on how to get the kids on board?

positive parenting children, family, kids, parenting

I have 3 girls and 30,000 pieces of laundry to wash.  (Ok maybe I’m exaggerating). In the last 3 days (yes true) I have asked the girls to each go to the laundry room, get their own clean laundry and put it away. Each of them has gone to the laundry room 3 times. Why? Because after the first 2 trips they had still missed some of their own items, which meant there was still a clean laundry pile.

How do I get them to find their items on the first trip? I’d even settle for the second? Do they not recognize their own articles of clothing?  (They certainly do when one of their sisters is wearing it?)

After a few moments of pondering the dilemma I remembered  the following technique I learned from a Strengthening Families Program for Parents and Youth 10-14 last month.

Adding a Small Chore: Here’s how it works.

Because they didn’t accomplish the first chore – getting their own clean laundry-mind you after 3 separate requests.  – they will now have a small additional chore. When I asked them to get their clothes initially, I also asked them to fold/match 6 pieces of ‘family’ laundry (towels, wash clothes, linens, match socks etc.) They will now have to each fold 3 times the number of towels/washcloths that I asked them to the first time. So they will each have 18 family items to fold/match. Trust me there are plenty! (sock come in pairs remember!)

By giving them a small ‘additional’ chore they will learn to check and make sure their first chore was done to completion. A small chore is not meant to be a punishment or an overwhelming task (like cleaning the garage or the complete disaster of a bedroom). The goal is to make it an inconvenience so they stop and think – or at the very least DO!

What are some other ’small’ chores that could be assigned for those minor infractions? You might be surprised how the minor infractions decrease with the addition of a few small chores here and there.

Happy assigning!

Lori

Find out about Strengthening Families 10-14 and other ISU Extension and Outreach programs here – http://www.extension.iastate.edu/homefamily/about_families.htm

education, positive parenting, raising teens, social-emotional children, chores, communication, family rules, kids, overindulgence, parenting, school, teen, tweens, well-being, youth