Consistent Parenting

On March 3rd, we discussed positive parenting strategies, including giving appropriate choices, explaining decisions, listening to the feelings and concerns of your children, setting limits, and acting out of love.

It’s important to not only use these strategies, but to use them as consistently as possible.  If children are receiving different messages from one or both parents, the child may get confused and be unsure of how to act.  It will help your child understand what is expected if you and any other parental figures are consistent.

How do you know if you and/or any other parents are inconsistent parents?  Do you say “yes” when the other parent says “no”?  Do you make a rule, but fail to follow through on the consequences when your child breaks the rule?  Do you say “no” to your child’s request, then back down and say “yes” if the child persists?  If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, there’s probably room for improvement.

One way you can improve consistency is to create boundaries.  Determine what behaviors are acceptable or unacceptable, and what consequences are appropriate if children behave in unacceptable ways.  Remember when determining consequences, it needs to be something you can follow through on.

Clearly explain to your children the rules and consequences that have been decided upon, and why they have been chosen.  For example, “If you run into the street while playing outside, you will have to play inside for two days.  We want you to be safe and not get hurt, so we need to know you will stay in the yard.”

Be sure they understand what the boundaries are, and what will occur if these boundaries are broken.  Depending on the age of your children, they may have some input on rules and consequences.  This gives you a good opportunity to listen to and consider their thoughts and reasons.  You may find it is appropriate to change a rule or consequence based on what your child says, but always remember:  you make the final decision.

All parental figures need to consistently follow through on the rules and consequences.  If a child breaks a rule, the consequence needs to immediately follow the incident.  If consequences are not used consistently or immediately, it can be hard for children to make the connection between the behavior and the consequence.

When is it most difficult for you to be a consistent parent?  What strategies might you try to help you stay consistent in these difficult situations?

Donna Donald

Donna Donald is a Human Sciences specialist for Iowa State University Extension and Outreach who has spent her career working with families across the lifespan. She believes families are defined by function as well as form. Donna entered parenthood as a stepmother to three daughters and loves being a grandmother of seven young adults.

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