My brother and I had what I would consider “a lot” of time to prepare for the passing of our father, since Alzheimer’s is a slow-progressing disease. We had time to talk, ask questions, research and make decisions. This was especially helpful since we knew that Dad would most likely pass in Indiana; the funeral would be in Iowa at my church; and the burial would be next to our mom in Minnesota. As we liquidated his Minnesota assets, we consulted our lawyers in Indiana, Iowa and Minnesota as we made decisions about where the estate’s bank account should be located and in which state to file probate. The choice of cremation made for less paperwork and expense when it came to transporting his remains from Indiana to Iowa and then on to Minnesota.
The funeral home director in Indiana made everything very easy and advised us on issues we had not considered like the purchase of a vault for the urn holding dad’s ashes. Not all cemeteries require urn vaults, but Dad’s did. For being nothing more than a small plastic box that is sealed with rubber cement, it came with a hefty price tag. The funeral director suggested finding one online, which was about a fourth the price.
It is interesting the things that are said during the time of grief. Old feelings bubble up. Emotions are raw and run deep. Two of our family members were struggling with the fact that they had not attended my mom’s funeral 30 years ago, and had not even known where she was buried; in some ways they were burying two family members that day. It became apparent to me the important role the graveside service played for these two family members. Interestingly though, the one struggling most had made the decision to donate her body to science. In this way, her body would then be cremated (at no cost to her) and the remains returned to her family. She intends to have no grave, no funeral…no final expenses. Her decision was purely a financial decision. I wonder if she will think differently now that she has experienced the effects of 30 years of deeply buried grief, magnified because she had experienced all the traditional rituals that come with the passing of a loved one.
A financially secure and elderly friend passed away recently. She was devout in a faith which we shared. Her children lived far away and I was eager and willing to help them make all the funeral arrangements through our church. It caught me completely by surprise that they decided that there would be NO funeral. She had the means to pay for such things. She was a long-time member of our church and community, so there were a lot of people planning to say “good bye” in a public way AND a lot of people trying to make sense of this decision. She had donated her body to science and the remains were returned to her children…end of story.
With increased access to information, survivors as consumers are seeking more alternatives to the conventional funeral. Funerals are among the most expensive purchases made in a lifetime. The national median cost of an adult funeral is $7,360. The time to make these decisions is now…not during a period of duress, grief, and guilt. Funeral Directors are excellent sources of information and you may want to check out this document by the University of Florida Extension – The Art of Goodbye; A Closer Look at Emerging Trends in End-of-Life-Rituals.