Parenting is a journey. It is not a sprint to the finish, rather, a daily walk with those in our care, until they are launched as independent young adults. And then, parenting continues. Some parents look forward to the day their children leave the nest, knowing they created an environment that helped them learn the skills and abilities necessary to navigate our great big world.
If you are parenting teens, then you know this stage of life can be pretty unpredictable, depending on a number of factors including: a teen’s temperament; a teen’s age; family structure; available resources; education; peer support; and so much more.
The teen years are a time of growing independence. Homework, sports, afterschool activities, a part time job, time with friends all seem to take these teens away from the family home many hours of the day. And when the teen is home, are they hiding out in their room, or are they gathering with other family members for meals, tv, and other family routines? Navigating this sensitive time in development is important.
While a teen is experiencing many physical and emotional changes to their growing body, their brain is not quite fully developed, so the decision-making ability of a growing teen may not match the ability of someone older.
The Science of Parenting hosts discuss some specific strategies for the teen age years including:
Being available to your teen by responsive listening and communication.
Serving as a role model of responsible behavior.
Continuing to provide boundaries and enforcement of safety rules while supporting your teens growing independence.
The milestones that make up healthy growth and development of children are used by parents, health professionals, and early childhood experts as guidance for what to expect as children grow. No two children will experience the same growth pattern. Each of us grows in our own timing, however, the milestones help us to prepare for what may be around the corner!
The pre-teen years can leave parents with many questions about navigating the emerging physical and emotional changes with their child. While desiring to have more independence, a pre-teen may seek more time with their peers than with their family. They may also be listening more to their peers, so making sure the peers that surround your child are ones you trust and who have similar values and interests as your child is important.
The pre-teen years are time for honest, open conversation about family values and expectations for behavior in school, home, and with friends. Discussion about sensitive issues related to growing sexuality, alcohol or drug use is important to have early and regularly so that your child knows the boundaries and can have honest conversations with you.
Showing respect for your pre-teen and taking an interest in their school and extra-curricular activities will help parents continue to stay engaged with their teen. Talk about the future with your teen. Talking about the hopes and dreams you have for your teen will help them explore their own hopes and dreams. Helping teens set goals for the dreams they want to accomplish is another strategy to stay connected and engaged with your teen.
While recording Season 5 on children’s milestones, I couldn’t help but think about all the parents who listen in and say, “but what if they aren’t?” or “but what if my child never will?” These are hard questions for a parenting educator to answer. As the parent of a child with special needs, I also recognize how difficult it is to be brave enough to ask these questions: the wondering, the worry, the self-doubt, and even the self-shame. I wanted you to hear us say, “We hear you. We see you in the back. We acknowledge that you have questions too”. While every child’s ability is different, and every child’s temperament is different, so are specific diagnoses and conditions. We hope that our short message here gives you the sense that your child is amazing no matter when they reach their milestones (or even if they never will). We want you to know that your parenting journey will need a set of special tools. Most of all, we want you to know that there is more than one way to raise great kids, and you have us to lean on.
Now that the kids are in school full time, we may really notice how they begin to manage their continuing gross motor skills, emotional management, and budding friendships with classmates.
Have the kids in the neighborhood been riding bikes? Or have the children expressed an interest in some of the formal team sports like soccer or softball or baseball? These types of activities help a child to fine-tune their ever-increasing gross motor skills. Parents can often be heard encouraging children to “get outside and play.” The outdoor environment is full of opportunities for children to learn tasks for growth and development.
As children’s cognition and language development are increasing, we may need to begin to offer more explanations or more “why” answers – rather than simply giving a simple yes or no to requests. Helping children learn that our decisions are based on keeping them safe all while providing realistic expectations for their behavior may be a conversation we must have. School-agers are beginning to understand others’ perspectives and are learning to listen to other people’s ideas and suggestions.
Kids in school are developing more memory strategies; Learning to read and then reading to learn. In fact, they may be focused on MASTERY of school and extra-curricular activities.
As parents we may have to be ready to adjust to the different range of emotions that may be apparent during this time frame. We may need to be ready to keep the lines of communication open, so that when the emotion doesn’t seem to match the situation, we are ready to explore WHY….and brainstorm potential solutions or strategies for emotional support.
A few tips for support during these school-age years include:
Show affection for your child and recognize their efforts and accomplishments.
Ask about school with questions like “tell me about your school day”. “Tell me about your friends”.
Do fun things together as a family, such as playing games, reading, hiking outdoors and going to events together.
Talk with your child about using money wisely.
Praise your child for good behavior.
Support your child in taking on new challenges.
Encourage your child to solve problems. Brainstorm possible solutions together.
Talk with your child about their homework and discuss any help your child may need or request.
The school years are a time of budding independence. Be sure to show your parental support for that growing independence all while providing the love and limits needed for optimal growth and development.
Can it really be that time? The time for our children to have a preschool experience. It seems like they were only born yesterday, how can they be ready for school? These are some of the comments that many parents have about their child and the next stage of life! All parents have big decisions to make as they evaluate their child’s growth and development and readiness for the next big milestones like school.
How is your child doing with both gross motor activity and fine motor activity? Do they enjoy using a crayon and drawing and coloring? Do they use chalk and write on the sidewalk or chalkboard? Have you noticed your child walking, running, and maybe even learning to hop, skip or jump? These are the actions of a child who is learning to develop those gross motor skills.
You may also notice that your child has learned many more words and uses them to communicate with you and others around them. The more words a child hears, the richer the child’s vocabulary becomes, which has a profound impact on the child’s school performance, IQ, and life path. Vocabulary development is increasingly acknowledged as a sign of school readiness at kindergarten, and these vocabulary skills are dependent upon the amount and quality of language exposure in earlier years.
The Science of Parenting co-hosts share some great suggestions for preparing the preschool age child during this stage in life:
Continue to read to your child. Nurture the love for books by visits to the library or bookstore.
Let your child help with simple chores. They can stack their toys or help to put them in a container.
Encourage your child to play with other children to learn the value of sharing and friendship.
Give your child a limited number of simple choices (for example, deciding what to wear, when to play, and what to eat for snack.
The ages and stages that make up the preschool years are filled with discovery and exploration. For more information be sure to follow the Center for Disease Control pages on child development.
Parents of active toddlers will often say, “I have to keep my eyes on that child continually,” and how true this can be. Toddlers are learning to use their newfound motion to explore their environment. Touch is one way they learn and grow. Because they are now crawling and getting around on their hands and knees, parents do have a bigger job in protecting their child from hazards and anything that could be a potential concern! As we consider parenting children of different ages, we are looking at developmental milestones –which are things most children can do or are doing by a certain age. We know that each child develops at their own pace! Some children are early, some are on time, and some a little later.
From studies by Goodnow, J. J. (1988); and more recent studies like Bartlett, J. D., Guzman, L., & Ramos-Olazagasti, M. A. (2018)– across the board the research shows that parents who understand developmental milestones are more likely to have age-appropriate expectations, have higher quality interactions, and use more effective parenting strategies. Be sure to listen to the podcast at the 10 minute mark to hear about how brain development impacts how a child continues on their growth journey.
The toddler years may be filled with emotion for many kids. As they are just learning about who they are becoming as individuals, we note that they have very little emotion regulation skills. They are learning to express their needs but can become frustrated when they cannot communicate effectively and we may see the toddler meltdown, or tantrum. The meltdown could also stem from too much stimulation in the environment.
A few great ideas for engaging with your toddler during this life phase include:
Spend time reading to your toddler daily.
Ask your child to name and identify body parts and objects.
Play games with your toddler, like shape sorting, simple puzzles, or follow the leader.
Teach your child simple songs and rhymes.
Give your child attention and praise when following instructions and showing positive behavior and limit attention for defiant behavior like meltdowns.
Encourage your toddler’s curiosity and include field trips as opportunities to keep learning!
The arrival of a new baby into the home can bring so many emotions, including joy, anticipation, worry, and delight. These emotions may stem from realizing that as parents, keeping the newborn safe, alive, and well-cared for is essential. Parents will monitor a new baby’s growth; they will watch how much a new one eats or sleeps, or even coo’s and cries. Each of these actions can produce a reaction on the part of the caregiver. Infants rely on their caregivers to provide so much of their daily care. This is a time when the attachment bond is securely formed. A child who cries and their needs are met will learn to rely on someone to provide for their needs.
Infants are discovering movement through head control and noticing their hands and fingers. As they grow, they learn to roll over, sit up, and eventually crawl. Brain development is efficiently creating neural pathways that are critical windows of opportunity. As parents take the time to talk to their babies, this enhances the brain’s development. A child hearing more words in the first years of life benefits the child when they begin school.
A few great ways to engage with your infant in the early stages of development include:
Talking and reading to your baby.
Repeating your words and responding to the baby talk and sounds your infant makes will provide reassurance to your little one.
Give lots of attention and stimulation to your baby.
When they begin noticing their hands and fingers, be sure to provide toys and sound makers that will encourage their use of their newfound hands.
Keep the baby safe by taking a close look at the environment and removing any hazards that could be potential trouble.
Children are naturally curious and will put most items in their mouth. Be sure to check for small items that could cause a choking hazard and remove those toys.
Wash and clean mouthed toys often.
Most of all, show love and affection to your baby and enjoy this stage of development.
For additional information on your child’s growth and development, please explore a free series of electronic newsletters delivered to your email inbox based on your child’s birthday. They are called the Just In Time Parenting newsletters. Delivered once a month, the newsletter is filled with information about what you can expect of your child’s development, tips for how you can support your babies growth and progress toward their next milestones, tips for handling those common challenging moments, and some great suggestions for you, as a parent, to practice self-care.
Many parents, especially new ones, may wonder what to expect when their new arrival makes their debut. It is natural to want to make sure that a child is growing and developing on time and know when to be concerned. This season on The Science of Parenting, we focus our attention on the “milestones” that may hint at how a child is growing and developing.
The first lesson in child development is that we all grow at our own pace. We all are on our own schedule, and to force the issue may be futile. However, the milestones provide guidance about what “might” be expected during a particular time frame. Many other factors play an important role in how children grow and develop, including other siblings in the home, a child’s own temperament, and the social supports the child has in their life.
Are you looking for a helpful resource as a new parent? I would like to recommend Just in Time Parenting as a free parenting newsletter delivered by email and specific to a child’s age and needs. The newsletter will feature relevant information that’s timely and useful to your family! Be sure to catch the podcast hosts Lori and Mackenzie as they break down the milestones and feature highlights for toddlers, preschoolers, school-agers, the teenage years, and beyond!
Guiding and directing children as they grow and develop is a serious endeavor for parents. We know family values are usually at the heart of all rules, boundaries, and limits that parents set for their children.
Research in family science has a lot to say about what works around discipline. According to two decades of research by Elizabeth Gershoff & colleagues, physical punishment like spanking has been shown not only to be harmful, but also ineffective.
Discipline and punishment are two very different things. Discipline is meant to help children learn to regulate their own behavior as they are gaining more and more independence. Parents who use positive discipline approaches are teaching their children what behaviors are desired and then using natural or logical consequences when necessary to guide and direct their children.
Blaming and shaming parents for the choices they make in guiding their children is also not helpful. When we look at the research around harsh parenting, we can choose to avoid harmful and ineffective techniques and utilize approaches that are less threatening and more positive! We can do this most effectively by encouraging behaviors we do like, communicating our messages openly and honestly, and by utilizing Stop. Breathe. Talk. for keeping our cool in the heat of the moment.
Do you ever get the feeling you are being watched? If you are a parent or adult who cares for children, then you can be sure you are being watched!
Children are very impressionable. Have you ever heard the saying “children learn what they live”? If so, a good lesson for us as adults to remember is that we are always on display when guiding our children. They listen to how we talk to one another. They watch us as we busy ourselves taking care of routines daily. We want to make sure our words and actions match.
This season on The Science of Parenting, our co-hosts Lori and Mackenzie have introduced us to a parenting approach developed by the Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of Child Health and Human Development. The approach emphasizes why it is important to model good behavior, language, and energy when engaging with our children and the family.
Modeling is about using our own words AND actions to show the desired behaviors we expect. Research shows this is especially important with kids because children learn as much, if not more, from our actions as they do from what we say.
If a parent shouts orders at others, they shouldn’t be at all surprised to see their child shouting at others while at play. If I value a calm and respectful tone of voice, as an adult, I need to practice using that voice in my interaction with others. The bottom line, my behavior, and my words need to align because others who are important in my life are watching my every move!
As children grow and continue to develop their own independence, parents are in a unique position to offer mentoring support. Children learn to count on their parents to provide feedback and encouragement while navigating the many rites of passage to come!
The definition of mentoring highlighted by the hosts of the Science of Parenting: a mentor is someone who provides support, guidance, friendship, and respect to a child. Growing and developing is hard work, so mentoring kids along the way can help them learn about our desired expectations and behaviors. Mentoring is about helping kids reach their full potential, which includes mistakes and tears and successes and smiles.
Mentoring looks different at each life stage.
Toddlers may need more boundaries and limits along with help in emotion management.
Preschoolers will enjoy getting to make choices that come with their blooming independence.
School-age children may need mentoring assistance as they adjust to school and work on homework assignments.
Parents who have teens in the home will want to keep the lines of communication open as the teen years can be times of strong emotion and the onset of puberty. Mentoring teens through curfew, teenage friendships, and learning life skills like cleaning, handling money, and home & car care is essential.
The largest role we play is setting the stage so that our kids can launch with skills and abilities that serve them as they live on their own! In each life stage, parental monitoring provides the guidance, encouragement, and support necessary for growing independence.
Some parents with newborn children invest in a baby monitor to listen in and pay close attention to their baby resting in a crib. Over time, the baby monitor is replaced by parents who become the “monitor” in real life!
Parents have a big role in protecting their children from all kinds of situations daily. Monitoring children in their growth and development and providing a safety net for kids is essential. Monitoring our children is a protective factor and can reduce the amount of risk children engage in along life’s journey.
Monitoring is not about being in total control over our children but rather a way to guide and communicate reasonable limits and expectations. Explaining the reasons behind our established limits lets our children know that we care for their wellbeing, and they can learn to trust that what we expect or what we value.
As children grow and learn more independence, parental monitoring may take the form of questions like:
Who will you be spending time with?
What time can I expect you home?
Whose home will you be at?
What friends will be in the car with you?
How will you communicate with me if your plan changes?
Asking these questions with a calm, matter-of-fact voice and hearing the responses can set the stage for whatever limits might be necessary. Parents who establish boundaries or set limits for their children will teach their children that privileges come when clear communication, trust, and honesty are established.
Join The Science of Parenting co-hosts Lori and Mackenzie as they discuss strategies for monitoring children during different life stages!
Protecting our children and setting boundaries for safety is something that most parents would agree is essential in raising happy healthy families! The boundaries help support growth and development and children learn they can count on their family members to protect them.
In each life stage, prevention measures must be considered. For infants and toddlers, child-proofing the home, covering outlets, providing baby gates, and anchoring bookshelves are examples of how parents prepare the environment for health and safety.
When children are school-agers we encourage wearing a bike helmet when riding; we may teach children to ask permission before leaving to play at another friends home.
As teens we may teach “peer pressure” refusal skills so these kids can have a few tools at their disposal for protection and safety. And providing a few explanations of “why” rules and boundaries are established can help children and teens know we value safety!
Prevention is something everyone can practice! Communicate honestly and frequently with your family members about how and why safety and prevention are important and valued! The lessons learned through shared communication can be the first step in prevention education.
Everyday life can throw curveballs our way, the kinds of situations that cause us to REACT! We may react to protect ourselves from harm; we may react to let someone else know how we have been impacted; we may react as a form of on-going communication.
The Science of Parenting podcast hosts tackle the difference between REACTING to our children or RESPONDING. Sometimes our REACTIONS are an outgrowth of emotion. For example, if I am running late for work, and someone in the family spills their breakfast on the floor, my REACTION may stem from emotion–and the reality is, I am emotional because I am now really late if I have to stop and clean the kitchen floor.
Taking a few minutes to explore what happened and then responding with intention can be a teachable moment for everyone in the family. If the breakfast was strewn on the floor by the 1-year-old off the highchair, I may need to consider my child’s age and choose a response that meets the age and understanding of my 1-year-old.
If, however, two teens are fighting at the breakfast table and breakfast ends up on the floor, my response can also consider their age and ability to clean the mess up as a consequence of behavior.
Learning to respond with intention is a skill that takes time, energy, and patience. Our children are watching how the adults in their life respond to situations. Taking time to think about “how” to respond, not simply “react” to behaviors can help the whole family!
Have you ever made a decision, and then immediately second-guessed yourself? You may have wondered, “did I do or say the right thing? Could I have done something differently?” In fact, you may even hear your inner critic replying! That inner critic may be referred to as our “self-talk” and it can be either positive self-talk or negative self-talk.
What we say to ourselves each day impacts how we feel, what we do, and what we say to those around us. We can easily see a good day deteriorate into a cloudy day when we let our self-doubt and negative self-talk convince us we did something wrong or could have done better.
Becoming aware that our self-talk influences our parenting behavior and how we respond to others is especially important if our family members are impacted. Our very impressionable children watch how we react to daily situations and learn what they live. If they hear criticism, they may learn to criticize. If they hear praise, however, they learn to praise and be positive.
During Season Four of the podcast, The Science of Parenting Team will explore a parenting approach that can help parents to stay positive in their journey. The approach emphasizes consistency, effectiveness, and relating to children in active and attentive ways! These concrete terms for parenting allow us to reflect and encourage ourselves and others in our parenting approach.