My daughter is the ultimate “wallflower” when it comes to dancing through life. I am fortunate to have had the personal experience of parenting a “slow to warm up” temperament child. I will share some parenting strategies or “dancing steps” that I have learned over the years that I think have enhanced our relationship and her development.
First—as a parent I know Hannah well. I know when she is stressed. I know when she is scared. I know when she is apprehensive. I have learned when she needs support and when she needs a little push. I have learned how to support and not hover. This ability to read our kids temperament is the first and most important step in creating the “goodness of fit” that we discussed in our latest Science of Parenting podcast.
I lovingly call her my “wallflower”. Many times she was overlooked in classroom or in social activities because she was quiet and easily over powered by those with more eager, robust temperaments. She required more time to adjust to new situations, new environments, and new people. She was and continues to be highly sensitive to sounds, food, smells, and textures. She requires time to observe, and become comfortable. Large groups, busy places, and surprises were hard for her to adjust to. I learned early in her life—to provide early notification and discussion of what she was going to experience. Coaching and communicating were important for her comfort. She is almost twenty now, but still finds comfort in familiarity.
When parenting a “slow to warm up” child, it is important to nurture their development and self-esteem. They need acceptance. This means encouraging strengths ( for example- ability to play on her own, or to observe what’s going on around her carefully), and providing support when she needs it (visiting and exploring a new class in child care to help her feel comfortable).
When you notice and appreciate the similarities and differences between you and your child, you can adapt the way you parent in order to meet your child’s individual temperament needs. This helps your child feel loved, confident, important, and capable. Sensitive parenting helps your child know and feel good about themselves as they mature. Lastly, encourage your child to engage in activities that they enjoy. Avoid the “shy” labels. Give ample time to help them get used to the idea of doing something new. Advocate, coach and encourage.
American society tends to view sensitivity and “shyness” as negative traits, but as a parent of a —slow to warm up now adult child I have learned that they have much to offer. They are perceptive, observant, caring, empathetic and deeply in touch with their feelings and emotions and importantly those of others. Traits not always easily found in others. Love and value your kids for who they are. I love my wallflower….Hannah.
Janet Smith is a Human Science Specialist-Family LIfe with Iowa State University Extension and Outreach. She currently provides family life programming in eight counties in southeast Iowa. Janet is a "parenting survivor". She is the mother of Jared-21, Hannah-20, and Cole-15. She and her husband, David have faced many challenges together, including their son Jared's Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy diagnosis.
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