When My Child Misbehaves: Deciding on Discipline

Consequences are a byproduct of behavior – at all ages. As an adult, if I run a red light while driving my car, I may be hit by another driver, or get a ticket if a police officer observed me run the red light. Both actions are a consequence of my behavior.

Families, too, implement consequences. Often they are meant to help shape and provide boundaries and safety for their family members. For example, a consequence of coming home later than curfew may be the loss of an evening out the following week! Or perhaps the consequence for staying on a cell phone past when it is lights out is the removal of the cell phone from the bedroom during the sleeping hours.

Another example is for preschoolers. If a preschooler won’t help pick up toys when playtime is over, then perhaps a favorite toy or two is removed from the toy bin for several days. This removal signals that some behavior was not followed.

The application of consequences must be followed with conversations about desired behaviors. The conversation communicates the reason for the rule or restriction. Sometimes parents have included the older kids when discussing rules and consequences. Reminders help even the youngest children to be mindful of their behavior.

The Science of Parenting team has been discussing child growth and development as it relates to guidance and discipline. Each session provides helpful research and strategies designed to support parents in their role as nurturing and loving parents.

Barb Dunn Swanson

With two earned degrees from Iowa State University, Barb is a Human Sciences Specialist utilizing her experience working alongside communities to develop strong youth and families! With humor and compassion, she enjoys teaching, listening and learning to learn!

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Going Bold

Have you ever looked at your child and said, “Oh my, this child of mine has a lot of energy”? Or have you ever thought, “Wow, my child is very emotional.”

Some may call this a spirited child. Others may label a child difficult, feisty, or even strong willed.

Having an awareness of a child’s natural temperament can prevent us from labeling them in ways that diminish our appreciation of them! When a child’s behavior is challenging, we start to evaluate a number of outside influences to answer any questions we have about the type of behavior we observe. We look at the environment. Maybe we look at the time of day. Perhaps there’s a situation the child is navigating.

How can we celebrate the child who exhibits more tenacity or feistiness? Perhaps we consider the child with focus, tenacity, and feistiness will stay at a project and finish. Maybe that same child will be able to withstand other distractions, when others may have lost focus or given up.

Appreciating the temperament of each child will help us observe and adjust our expectations in ways that can assist our children be successful in their growth and development.

Mary Sheedy Kurcinka is featured as our guest in this episode discussing that spirited child.

Barb Dunn Swanson

With two earned degrees from Iowa State University, Barb is a Human Sciences Specialist utilizing her experience working alongside communities to develop strong youth and families! With humor and compassion, she enjoys teaching, listening and learning to learn!

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Celebrate Persistence

Have you ever tried to learn something new, perhaps a new language, preparing a new recipe, or putting together a piece of furniture with directions from a kit? All of these opportunities require us to have a set of skills in order to be successful. One of the biggest skills we rely upon in situations is persistence: the idea that we are going to stay with the job until it is completed. The idea that we will see our effort to the end.

Children learn persistence when they are learning new skills, like eating, crawling, and walking. Although we may not have a working memory of learning to eat or crawl or even walk, we had to have persistence to develop the skill.

Persistence can be challenging, too. When a toddler or an older child is focused on completion of some task, they may not hear the request of a parent or another sibling. Parents could see this as a refusal to listen, or as disobedience. Consider, however, that the child was so focused and attuned to their task that they truly heard nothing.

Persistence is useful throughout our lifetime. The ability to use our focus and concentration can help to complete schoolwork, keep a clean room, complete a 4-H or Eagle Scout project, attend to a music lesson, learn a new language, and so much more. Check out The Science of Parenting podcast as the discussion of temperament continues highlighting persistence and how parents can celebrate it.

Barb Dunn Swanson

With two earned degrees from Iowa State University, Barb is a Human Sciences Specialist utilizing her experience working alongside communities to develop strong youth and families! With humor and compassion, she enjoys teaching, listening and learning to learn!

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Calm, Cool and Collected

Temperament is our predisposition to how we react in any type of situation. It’s in-born, genetic and with us from the very beginning of life. The Science of Parenting team is introducing us to the temperament continuum and have been exploring the nine different traits (as described by Chess and Thomas). How much of each trait we personally possess is unique to each of us. One of the nine traits is INTENSITY, and identified as:

the amount of energy exhibited in emotional expression.

We can think about intensity as our ability to express emotion. Like joy over something very happy, or sadness and regret when something unfortunate happens, is what keep us human! We don’t and won’t all experience the same set of feelings when similar things happen to us. Because of our lived experiences, we will approach our reaction to situations very personally.

The connections young children have with their parent will help the child to be able to manage the emotions they possess. A parent may have to regulate their own emotions first, before helping a young person try to manage theirs. In fact, we may even have to step away from each other for a time, when emotions run high, before we can come back together to address an intense situation.

In this weeks podcast, Science of Parenting hosts offer several tools to help with the challenges an intense temperament might present to parents. Join us as we look continue on our temperament journey.

Barb Dunn Swanson

With two earned degrees from Iowa State University, Barb is a Human Sciences Specialist utilizing her experience working alongside communities to develop strong youth and families! With humor and compassion, she enjoys teaching, listening and learning to learn!

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Defining Parenting Styles

How we choose to parent our children may be reflective of how we ourselves were parented, or upon our own knowledge, or perhaps our wish to please our children and others around us. No matter the influence, identifying a parenting style that works for your family and is effective in providing the boundaries and safety that your family needs is a decision for you and your co-parent alone.  

A great deal of credit for research on parenting styles goes to Diana Baumrind who came up with the parenting styles back in 1971. The four styles are defined by whether parents were high or low in two traits – demandingness and responsiveness.

Demandingness is the degree to which parents have expectations and standards of children and responsiveness is the warmth parents provide and the acceptance of their child’s needs and wants.

Baumrind outlined three parenting styles. Authoritative, Authoritarian, and Permissive.

  • Authoritative parents are both appropriately demanding and responsive.
  • Authoritarian parents tend to have high expectations but may not be as responsive to their child’s needs.
  • Permissive parents are very responsive to their child’s needs, but may provide too much freedom and not enough expectation or structure.

Parenting styles do affect our children, in fact, research has revealed that parenting styles are related to a child’s academic achievements, well-being and self-esteem, health and risky behavior, and school results and enrollment. Research has also revealed authoritative parenting consistently leads to more positive outcomes for children.

I bet a lot of us have never wondered just which style we go to when parenting our children. Perhaps it is only during times of challenging behavior, that you may need to reflect upon which way to respond, and which style will prove more beneficial to our children in the long run. We really need to find a balance between demandingness and responsiveness, in other words having expectations of our kids while also being responsive to their needs.  

The Science of Parenting podcast hosts had a lively conversation about parenting styles and discussed the difference between compliance vs. cooperation, and how important it is for families to strike a balance that will provide the love and limits all children and families need.

You can subscribe to us on any podcasting app to tune in to our weekly episode, or keep an eye on Facebook or Twitter to make sure you stay caught up. Our next time LIVE on Facebook will be April 30 at 12:15 p.m.

Barb Dunn Swanson

With two earned degrees from Iowa State University, Barb is a Human Sciences Specialist utilizing her experience working alongside communities to develop strong youth and families! With humor and compassion, she enjoys teaching, listening and learning to learn!

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